First Headshot
“Because when real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking.” Carrie Bradshaw
A few months ago, inspired by the viral social media sharing of #oldheadshotday I dug into my hard drive to find my first headshot. It happened to be the one that was taken in 2002 in my hometown of Vladivostok, Russia. Looking at this photograph today makes me realize that 15 years ago the flash from the camera marked a new chapter in my life. No, I was not discovered by a famous photographer nor did I appear on the cover of a magazine. What happened that day was much deeper and more fundamental on a personal level.
Even though I began performing on stage since I was a young kid, self-consciousness became an unwanted companion of mine as a teenager. At thirteen years old, like many of that age, I felt unattractive. My insecurities were increased by being bullied in high school. Classmates called me ‘fag’, they made fun of my high voice, long nose and (at that time) chubby body. It was a challenge for me to look at my own reflection in the mirror, not to mention photographs of myself.
At the time, through some friends, I met a local photographer named Vita. She was known for taking portraits of people on the streets of Vladivostok. I saw her work online and was stunned by how beautifully she would capture the nature and attractiveness of one or another person. I secretly dreamt of being photographed by her and believed that her talent as a photographer had the power to cure my insecurities and make me look attractive.
One day, inspired by her photographs and my own fantasies, I gathered some courage and spontaneously emailed Vita to ask her for a photo session. To my surprise, she responded to me within few days and said yes.
(Take a pause and imagine my teenage excitement!)
Vita told me to dress comfortably and meet her downtown. In truth, my anticipation was fused with fear. I had no idea what a ‘comfortable outfit’ for a photo shoot even meant. I went shopping and bought jeans, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket just to look cool. We met, on a gloomy afternoon, in one of the narrow streets downtown in Vladivostok. I acted confidently while my heart shrank and a state of doubt took over my head. Vita complimented my look (phew), took her camera out off the bag, asked me to lean on a brick wall and pushed the shutter button a couple of times. I tried to pose. I didn’t even know how, so I did what I learned from American TV shows.
At that time I had no idea which side of my face was more photogenic (now I know, it’s the left side), I did not know where to look and what face expression to make. Vita did not direct me either. Her instructions were limited to giving me cues about where to stand and when to face the camera. Her voice was confident, soft and nonjudgmental. At some point she complimented my eyes and I felt a bit relieved. At least one thing would look good in the photograph, I said to my self-conscious self.
I felt comfortable with her. As comfortable as you can be when you are totally uncomfortable.
I had no idea how I looked, but at some point I stopped caring. At the end of the photo shoot Vita asked me to lean my face forward and look at the camera. This final close-up picture was the one that I recently found in my archive.
When I look at my first headshot today I see a young, beautiful man who wanted to look like a young, beautiful man.
More than a decade later, I realize that confronting and accepting myself has guided me to where I am now. After the photo shoot with Vita I started to connect with other photographers and asked them to take pictures of me. I began to experiment with my look, facial expressions, poses, style, clothing and artistic approach to each photo session. It was a kind of self-therapy. I started to convince myself that I deserved to be photographed and that I look beautiful.
“Fake it until you become it” — an American psychologist Amy Cuddy once said in her sensational Ted Talk. I guess that’s what I unconsciously did.
Thanks to my insecurities and willingness to face them I have met and worked with some of the greatest photographers — a few of them became my biggest inspiration — Henny Garfunkel, Nir Arieli, Jeong Park, Nicholas Trochil just to name a few. Eventually, winning my fight with my unconfident self brought me jobs — from talent agency contracts to runway, television and magazine appearances, commercial gigs for leading brands in beauty and the fashion industry. I felt healed.
Or at least I thought so until recently.
A few weeks ago during a photo shoot for a New York City artist all my insecurities instantly came back. It was a day after a guy that I liked very much, and who I had been dating for three weeks, told me he was not attracted to me. His rejection was a hit straight to my heart (or my ego? I am still pondering). I felt that he was not into me because I did not look the way a socially accepted ‘attractive guy’ should look (think latest Men’s Health cover jock). I thought that after fifteen years the self-conscious boy had been buried and replaced by a confident 30-year-old man, but I guess that kid was a revenant who caught me off guard when I thought that nothing could break me.
And just like that — with one simple rejection — an old story became a headline. That photo session with an artist felt like a test: fail and run away or stay and withstand your insecurities.
So I stayed. I had to face this teenager again. I had to talk to him and say: “If you were blind to your beauty in teenage years, but found a way to recognize it and overcome your insecurities, then I, as an adult, have no right to betray you. I must continue your legacy.”
It feels like a work in progress. I guess this is an ongoing conversation and it might come back sooner or later again (and again). If these insecurities return, I hope I will be strong enough to tackle them with self-dignity in my mind and self-love in my heart.
Now I know that in the moment of a self-doubt I can look to that old picture and be reminded of that 15-year-old kid, who marks his personal history by facing his fears and standing in front of the camera to take his first headshot.
